On the road
If you had the chance of being with someone (an awesome someone) for only four months, would you do it? I have never been the type of person who lives only for today, but I am so very tempted and I think I’m going to go for it.
It is nice to be in the magical, butterflies-in-your-stomach stage, without thinking about what’s going to happen next. Reality will have to be dealt with later. And although I believe that all roads lead *somewhere* I might have to be content that in this case, somewhere might be nowhere after all. Surprisingly, I think I’m ok with that.
The blues
My vacation in short: I ate too much, tanned too little and had wonderfully happy times with my family. I was also in bed on New Year’s eve with a stomach virus, but that was just a small dent in the awesomeness that was this trip. It was great; I miss them so much.
I always get depressed after the holidays, which for me is a compendium of having good times at home – which are almost always pretty damn near flawless – and coming back to reality (I can never say this phrase without saying ‘oh, there goes gravity’. What did I ever do to you, Eminem?). It’s a jarring change to come back from my vibrant, larger than life family to what seems to be my own little drab life.
Of course I always break out of these holiday blues and I will be back to seeing and feeling the red, purple and gold. But for now, I just feel like avoiding people and cuddling my insufferable dog.
This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper
Before I knew that the line in the title referred to an H-bomb, I always thought it was an apt description for a lot of situations in life. I remember hearing from my English teacher in high school that once you write something, it’s not your own anymore and it bears different meanings to everyone who reads it. To me, this line summarizes quiet desperation. How sometimes you expect the end to come amongst pomp and circumstance, but what you don’t know is that the ending started just as soon as everything began and it sneaks up on you. And to cap it all off, you not only lose what you have, you also lose what you might have had, and that is infinitely harder.
During yoga class this week, my teacher talked about how you should cultivate a sense of detachment. In this case she wasn’t referring to not connecting with anything or anyone, but detachment in the sense that you should not be too invested on the outcome of situations. It’s a lesson I need to learn.
I also need to trust that things often work out for the best, and that there is a plan for me. I just wish God would clue me in on it sometimes (:
Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder
So I’ve been very chipper lately. Chipper here, chipper there, chipper chipper everywhere. This is amazing considering that I am in the midst of finals, and research, and holiday parties, and gift buying and of course, roomate drama.
It’s madness, but I get to go home next week, and my first semester is over and (pending on finals) it looks like I will actually pass. Yay!
T-14
I am so happy to be going home for the holidays, and so very blessed that I’ve been always able to make it there every year. This year we will all be together for the first time in ages, plus it’s the little bean’s first Christmas and baptism! So it will be extra special.
The one worry I have is Tai. I will be gone for more than 2 weeks and most of my friends are travelling during the holidays, and honestly, I am a little embarrassed to ask anyone to take care of her for that long. I didn’t want to leave her in a kennel either, especially (the horror!) over Christmas (I know, this is completely irrational as Tai can’t tell it’s the most specialest time of the year. But the idea of my little girl being walled up in a bleak kennel when I will be a) tanning at the beach b) having a belly full of turkey c) surrounded by all the people I adore the most in this world, makes me really sad). So I found someone who can pet sit at her house at a reasonable rate and who is a dog lover. The problem with the dog lover part is that she has three german shepherds who I’m sure are going to scare Tai to death initially. In general though I think it will be a very good idea for her to have to socialize and live with that many other dogs. It will build her character (isn’t that the excuse every parent gives?) (:
Damn to the Arrgh
A week ago, my roomate told me that he wanted to move out, and I did an internal happy dance (the running man and robot rendition, I was THAT happy). The day afterwards he said he was moving to Texas and he flew out to look for apartments. By Sunday, he had changed his mind and had chosen San Francisco. Which turned into I’m staying here until my lease ends yesterday. Of course he hadn’t deemed it important enough to actually tell me of his plans, considering that he would have been breaking his lease and putting me in a bad financial position, which pissed me off.
It is an education being around someone whose mood changes so much and who can go from being happy to being depressed in 2 seconds flat. I’m struggling with trying to be understanding of him, but at the same time not wanting to engage him because I never know how he’s going to react. I know the suckfest that is feeling like you don’t belong anywhere, and how isolating and awful that is and I’m trying hard to remember that when I interact with him. What I can’t stand is when he becomes mean and says hurtful and (frankly) childish things to me that are unwarranted and disrespectful. He is also needs so much attention and time that I can’t give him. He’s gotten jealous because I spend more time with my friends. He says he feels excluded when I don’t invite him to do things with me. He complains that whenever I cook I don’t plan for him. Whenever I try to address what he’s saying, he doesn’t listen to me because he reacts with his emotions, and doesn’t listen with his mind, therefore there is no reasoning with him. He’s like a clingy, needy, possesive boyfriend that I never wished to have.
It’s interesting being on the other side of equation now. What I can say now is that I am so glad to have had friends, real friends who stuck with me through my periods of depression. And while I don’t think my roommate and I can be friends because of our personality differences, I will try harder to be more compassionate. I have/had been praying very hard about this situation, and I thought it was all going to be resolved when he left. But maybe God has other plans (who said something like, man plans, and God laughs?), and I just have to be accepting. I know this post is not nice at all, but I decided to put it up because no one knows who I’m talking about. A girl needs an outlet (umm, other than all of the friends that I’ve already bored to tears with this story, or that… complete stranger in the waiting room) sometimes.
Yoga
It is a truth universally acknowledged that doing any type of exercise is guaranteed to make you healthier, and feel better. Of course, the problems are twofold: first, you have to be motivated enough to go (which most of the time, you just .. aren’t), and second, you have to keep it up. I wish this could be some revolutionary new post on the perfect formula to get yourself to get up and exercise, but it isn’t. Or on finding the perfect exercise to do while you’re sitting on your bum watching tv, but it’s not. In the end exercising on a regular basis is hard, and it takes a lot of motivation and discipline.
I went through periods of trying different things out, from swimming to tennis to those “for women only” clubs (Imagine me and a whole bunch of older ladies bouncing on a trampoline to Devo’s “whip it”). But I hadn’t found anything I loved until I came to yoga. And not just any yoga class, but with a wonderfully patient instructor that just radiates peace and calm.
I am always sure I am going to make time in my week to do some yoga. I love the feeling of peace, purpose and focus that comes over me. I feel so calm and contented after I do it, like I’ve just lifted a huge weight of my shoulders, and nothing matters except for the present moment. I forget about school, about men, roomate troubles and all of my responsibilities. While I’m doing yoga, I feel like I can connect not only with myself but something deeper – I have occasionally felt that way after praying, but yoga relaxes me enough on a consistent basis that I feel like I can be in better tune with my spiritual side. They don’t call it meditation through motion for nothing (:
And, on the super vain side, after three years of practicing, I am more toned and flexible. So, yaay to yoga all around! I highly encourage you to try. And if it doesn’t work for you, find something you love – swimming, synchronized running, anything.
Ch-ch-changes
An appropriate title for a post right after the elections. I’m not from the US, but it’s been my surrogate home for 10 years (and counting), and I am elated that so many people recognized that there is need for change and a shift in the national consciousness in some fundamental areas like the environment, and foreign policy. But of course, this webpage is all about me, so to hell with elections (:
I curse the day when I thought getting a roommate through Craigslist was a good idea. What everything boils down to is that it was very poor judgment on my part and now I have to live with it for a whole year. Initially this post was fairly slanderous in nature and I was going to write viciously one sided and embellished accounts of the time he did something and I got SO UPSET but I realize now that that probably wouldn’t be very nice of me, and possibly bar me from getting into heaven. And I really, really want to make it there eventually if only because I want to buy my favorite apostles some beer.
So instead I’m writing about things that need to change with me. I need to be more assertive, and hold my own ground. I cannot keep swallowing my anger or the things that bother me, because eventually I am going to explode, and that ain’t going to be pretty. It’s one of my many patterns, letting people walk all over me while silently resenting it, and I need to start setting some rules for myself.
One of the things that I’ve always believed in is a person’s ability to choose who they want to be, and act accordingly — the truest measure of a person is their actions. I’ve always tried to live up to my image of a good person, someone who was compassionate and kind, who would give strangers the shirt off their back and selflessly give up the last piece of chocolate cake because you know your friend really, really wants it. That image is still there, but now the ideal is tempered by accounting for my human frailties. I get angry and resentful when people try to take advantage of small kindnesses, so I need to start speaking up whenever this happens. I wish I could be more humble and forgiving and that these things wouldn’t bother me, but that is a work in progress.
Being non-confrotational means that I use my go-to defense mechanism when I’m mad – mute withdrawal. And that’s something that I need to work on too, because I realize it comes accross as cold and uncaring, and for the most part I do believe that dialogue is the best way to resolve conflict.
So, a mental toast to new beginnings.
Excerpts
Do you remember the time that I ragged you about wearing that suit? I regret that the most, those criticisms disguised as jokes that I could deliver so well, if only because I have had so much practice on myself. I’m so sorry if I ever let you feel like you weren’t enough, because you were more than that. That was my insecurity coming out and bruising you over and over again, and it wasn’t fair, and you didn’t deserve it. I’m so sorry.
- – - – - – -
I want you to know how much you meant to me, how you changed my life for the better. With you I became a happier, more confident version of myself. Your unconditional support and belief in me made a world of difference and without you I wouldn’t have become the person that is writing this. How ironic that with helping each other become our better selves came the realization that we weren’t right for one another.
- – - – - – - -
Thank you for having loved me.
I hope thirty years from now you will be with your family decorating your Christmas tree, watching four feet of snow cover the ground, listening to a Charlie Brown’s Christmas. I hope you’re still riding your bike to work after doing your morning Kung Fu. I hope your life is full of all the love, joy, pain, sorrow,craziness and happiness that is brought on by a life well lived.
List of thankfulness
- Laughing my way through days with my cousin who is made out of all kinds of awesome (and is visiting for a month, yay! She has been an absolute angel. Or more like a cleaning fairy godmother, with a toilet brush wand and plastic gloves and taking care of me while I work and study).
- Being ridiculously silly with my sisters on our msn chat.
- Seeing a sweet and hilarious video of the little bean eating (or trying to, as much as you can without teeth) a chicken leg, looking like a little bald hungry man who apparently doesn’t get breast fed enough (:
- Watching Tai lie contentedly in the sun, a look of absolute bliss on her face
- Sitting very still in the middle of a sunny, windy and gorgeous Fall day, with all it’s vibrantly alive colors and the crispness and sharpness in the air that made the very blood in my veins pulse with gladness.
I will try to remember these when I am feeling stressed, when my eye twitches and my heart hurts from thinking of all the studying I need to do, and all the life that needs living. There are so many beautiful things and moments in the world that make even the embarrassment of twitchy eyes all worthwhile.
