I am not doing very well. These past three weeks have been exhausting, just trying to keep my head above water. I’m still struggling. Oh, how I hate this.

I’m going to try to do some yoga, and pray some today, although it’s hard to even think about it. I’m making myself go to school but what I really want to do is stay at home under the covers and cry.

I need a small victory so badly today.

Summer is almost over, so it is time to go through the list I wrote back in May and see what I need to do in the next few days to get most of it done (that’s me, procrastinating until the very end. Or as I prefer to call it, finishing strong).

- Go to the Farmer’s Market at least twice a month and pick a new ingredient each time. If you average the number of times I went to the farmer’s market by the number of months in spring/summer this worked out. I am converted to farmer’s markets now — the produce is comparably priced, and has so much more flavor. I also got the chance to go to the farmer’s market in Madison, WI, and it is one of the best ones I’ve been to. They have excellent cheese and I have a new favorite, smoked chicken. Did you know that you can smoke chicken? And that it is delicious?

- Learn how to garden. My sweet, sweet boyfriend came over one day and we spent 4 hours pruning, weeding, planting and putting topsoil on my teeny tiny patio. It was beautiful! For about 15 days! And then.. it got worse. And now it is back to looking a little disheveled, so it came full circle. (I have to say, gardening is labor intensive, but not tough. All you do is cut away anything that looks disorderly to your liking and pull up everything you don’t want in there).

- Grow my own herbs. The little plot with the herb garden was the only part of my patio that I took religious care of. I would walk outside and water the herbs, sniff the heady earthy smell, and beam like the proud mama I was. One day I found that someone had stolen the cilantro and some of the basil. I was livid and on the verge of installing little cameras out in the bushes, but not really because I’m a poor student so I was actually going to glue some leaves as camouflage and scare the beejezus out of the trespassers, when someone told me it was the chipmunks. And after that, I realized that I couldn’t win the battle, because have you seen a real, live chipmunk (I hadn’t, until I moved up north)? They are the cutest little squirrely things. All they would have to do is look at me with those little inquisitive eyes and I would be planting more cilantro and leaving chocolate chip cookies out for them. And then, there were the tomatoes, which the groundhogs love (I feel like they are my little animals now too, but also feel bad that I’m domesticating them. They are wild animals, don’t they need to … forage more for their lunch and learn wilderness survival skills?). But I did get to use some of the thyme, rosemary and basil, so I’ll call this one a success.

- Throw a mean barbeque. Not even close. Unless I can get a grill soon (which is not looking likely because I’m kind of broke), this one is a big FAIL. You guys, I actually did this! I found a gas grill for $40 on craigslist and next thing you know I am having about 10 people over for the world’s tiniest burgers (we forgot they shrink) and hot dogs. It was a lot of fun, and I love having a grill!

- Improve my tennis. I’ve been to play out twice, I think that means that this one is met. I mean, that’s twice more than I played this past year, therefore I improved my rusty skills by a lot, 50% even. Also, I am blaming my condo association on this one as they resurfaced the tennis courts and on at least 3 or 4 occasions I wanted to play and couldn’t. Of course I could have found another court, but I think my response of going home and umm, snacking on potato chips was way more reasonable. No one likes an overachiever.

- Do yoga on the patio. I’m on it. This weekend!

- Make curtains. Although I didn’t make my curtains, I did get them. From ebay — so that meant that they were about 8″ short on each side because the specs were all wrong and I didn’t return them. But it provides more coverage than it did before, and now peeping toms will have to really struggle to see inside or at least have to crane their neck a little.

- Hit at least one single per game at my softball games. Surprisingly what I thought was going to be the most difficult one is the only one that I  truly did 100%. I even hit a double once (not intentionally, but hey I hit it, I took it, and I ran with it). Yay, me!

- Go to a field at night in early summer to see the fireflies. There was a field. And maybe … three.. four? fireflies. That kind of counts.

So the overarching theme of the summer was “honing the art of doing things half-assedly to perfection”. But an almost-kinda-sorta summer is the best kind.

Step 2: Me, myself and I.

Let me preface the next couple of paragraphs by saying that I think low self esteem and chronic depression often go hand in hand. Depressed people usually lack the necessary (shall we call it) mental armor necessary to protect themselves from bad thoughts and criticisms, especially those coming from themselves. Ergo, they need to work on building that armor in order to make themselves feel better. For me, one of the most important things that I did was try to increase my self confidence was to consciously get to know myself better and try to objectively adjust the mental image that I had of myself. So — if you think that you are awesome just as you are, you probably don’t need to read this post (however, if you think you are the epitome of perfection, then you can bugger off, and get some therapy while you’re at it).

Having low self esteem results in your having a skewed view of yourself. Walking into a room even now, I will probably be the person that will think the worst of me. And that kind of sucks, because as they say, nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. So, it is important that you get to know yourself as you are, and not as you see yourself (I went from thinking I was a stupid, boring, ugly troglodyte to a not-so dumb, at least I’m not Steve Urkel nerdy girl. I do realize that I need more work (: ). This entails being honest about your limitations, but more importantly, your strengths, which depressed people are often blind to. I’m not sure what the best way to get to knowing yourself is, but what worked for me was trying out different things, and forcing myself to be open to new ideas and situations. There were times where I had to drag myself to an event that I was too nervous to go to (curse my chronic shyness and social awkardness! I also should warn you about accepting sketchy invitations – never go with a hippy to a second location, thanks Jack Donaghy). But being exposed to all sorts of different things helped me realize what I liked (playing board games, chillaxing with friends, hilarious words like ‘chillaxing’), what I didn’t (any combination of steel drums, incense and half naked people dancing), and what I was good or bad at.

Trying to see yourself objectively is a major task. I still have trouble with it even after deliberately working on it for the past 5 years. I have gotten to the point where I can recognize that I’m putting myself down but still have a hard time not letting it get to me. I’m still working on that second person, which incidentally, I call Matilda. Another thing that helped was to try to see situations more objectively. I would (and still do) stop and say, okay, if I were talking to a friend, what would I say? More often than not, I found that I treated myself much more harshly than I did others.

Which leads to my next point: you have to woo yourself. Spoil yourself a little, within reason. Be nice and kind and considerate of your emotions. Try to do one small thing that will make you feel better everyday, whatever it is. Praise everything that is worthy in you. Build that self-love and confidence.

I think depressed people often get flak from others  because we are perceived as self-centered. And in a way it’s true; depression makes you think that everybody is against you, that you can’t do anything right, and that everything is your fault. It’s ironic that to get better, this ability of concentrating on ourselves is actually useful if used in a more constructive manner. Not that I’m saying that you should take it to the extreme, but definitely try to focus some of that energy into positive self-analysis.

This last piece of advice is very personal, and I’m not sure whether it would help other people but it might be worth a try. Many times, helping and focusing on serving other people has also helped. From doing small acts of kindness to more committed community work, I have always benefited from doing it. On the one hand, I feel amazing for having helped someone who truly needed it. At a different level, it helps me forget my troubles and put them into perspective, and it is a constant reminder to be thankful of where and who I am.

There is no tried and true way of going about changing your attitude or your behavior patterns. Half the battle is recognizing the inherent problem, and the second half is to work, work, work to make yourself better and strengthen that armor so you can kick anybody’s ass. Metaphorically, of course.

I am feeling antisocial today. I had plans to go and see a play with my friends, but I canceled. There are times when I get cranky just thinking about being in the vicinity of people and today is one of those.

I’ve always wondered if my solitary bouts are normal. It is not a preference, it is a need to be alone and do my own thing; and when I get into this frame of mind if someone impinges on my wishes (even it is myself) I get cranky. Example, yesterday I had planned to spend curled up on my sofa, reading a good book.  But a very dear friend of mine was not feeling well, and had no one else to turn to, so we spent a couple of hours hanging out together and talking. By the end I was unbearably cranky and feeling resentful. Worst of all, I took my anger out on Tai (I yelled at her at some length, but then she had also peed on the carpet, again), and felt really guilty about it afterwards.

There are times when dealing with people leaves me drained and I need to recharge. I never understood why some people are so scared to be alone. I love the feeling of  serenity that can come over you while sitting with your dog and reading a good book, or drinking some hot cocoa while watching trashy tv. Sometimes the best company can be yourself.

I have been told that when I am disciplining Tai, I should be more stern. Apparently with dogs, the tone of your voice is more important than what you actually say, and according to my roomate, my no’s are enveloped in love and butterflies and sweetness and light because they don’t sound forceful enough. So now, I am practicing with everyone.

I am so proud of myself. Over saying ‘no’ to my dog – but hey, it’s the little victories.

I admit, I am an unsolicited advice giver. But I figure it’s an ok fault to have because I also happen to give excellent advice (ha! I think that noise you just heard was the simultaneous rolling of my friends’ eyes). In all seriousness though, there are times when I hold myself back from saying what I want to say because I’m scared I will hurt people’s feelings. I was thinking today of what honest, tough advice I would have given to myself seven years ago while I was going through a difficult bout of depression. So, here it is, peppered in with some of my own experiences (I’m pretty sure this is a rehash of every single ’surviving depression’ handbook, but I think in general, they work. Plus it’s free, and from a reliable source that dispenses knowledgeable advice, ask my friends!).

STEP 1: Get thee to therapy.

I think this step is a hard one because even though you probably know you have a problem, that doesn’t necessarily make it easy to look for help. I think I’ve mentioned before how when I’ve been depressed in the past, I have had absolutely zero motivation to get better. But guess what: if you try to ignore it, or hide it, it only gets worse. Depression feeds upon itself, and someday it will surface and bitchslap you in the face if you dont’ address it.  In order to get better, it might have to get worse and uncomfortable for some time; you will have to confront your insecurities and go to places where you’d rather not.

I decided to go into therapy because I was deeply unhappy. I had been having suicidal thoughts everyday, feeling worthless, and crying myself to sleep at night amongst other things. All my depression was just bubbling out of me and I felt like I couldn’t contain it anymore like I had done for so many years. I come from a culture where therapy is a taboo so I was hesitant about it – it took me feeling like I was cornered and with absolutely no way out of my life to actually get there. That first time I just sat there and bawled my eyes out. The intake therapist was a very nice, gentle lady who said that she thought I might need something long term and recommended I try out weekly therapy.  I will be honest, for the first year or two, I absolutely freaking hated it. I was a very closed off person at that time, so talking about painful and personal experiences was very tough and left me emotionally drained and feeling even more depressed. I dreaded going in, but some part of me knew that I needed it and thankfully I stuck to it. Which leads to the point: if you hate it at first, try to give it some time.

Another issue I wanted to touch upon is that a large part of the therapy component is getting the right therapist. I was lucky that both of the therapists that I have been assigned to I have been extremely happy with. They never hesitated to say though, that I was completely free to look for other options if I felt I had to. You have to have someone whom your comfortable with, and if that means switching around a couple of times, then that is fine and it is completely expected. Don’t let the fear of offending anyone hold you back from finding the right match.

If you think you are depressed, take the leap and go to therapy –  don’t wait until you reach the nadir, go now. Looking back, I can’t recall a point where I thought, “aha! I am now cured and all of my problems are solved”. Or I know some people who can recall specific breakthroughs — and I can’t even think of that. All I know is that gradually I started being more open to other people in my life, that little by little the depression ebbed and flowed out of and into my life, but there was a definite retreat. You could find that therapy is not for you, but at least you need to give it a shot.

[So my advice was initially a short list with about 5 steps on them. Then I started writing on Step 1 and realized, holy cow, this is going to be one behemoth of a post! so I decided to post in sections instead. I will be writing follow ups on this hopefully soon...ish. ]

I can’t believe I have made it this far — it feels like it’s been no time and forever since I started school.  After all this hard work, it ends tomorrow and I could not be more thankful. I’m so excited for the spring and summer that I put together a list of things that I want to try in the next couple of months:

- Go to the Farmer’s Market at least twice a month and pick a new ingredient each time. I love cooking but I always stick to the tried and true; this summer I want to experiment, expand my culinary horizons, and become a foodie snob that makes her own pesto based on a secret recipe from a friend’s Italian grandmother who still uses a mortar and pestle.

- Learn how to garden. Or how to prune. Or at least make my teeny patio look a little presentable and not like a lazy schizophrenic took over.

- Grow my own herbs. Can you just imagine how delicious that would be? I am just salivating in anticipation.

- Throw a mean barbeque.

- Improve my tennis.

- Do yoga on the patio. I’ve wanted to do this since last summer but I never found the motivation.  Or, if I find that it is one of those things that sounds much more pleasant in theory than in practice (mosquitoes, bleh) then do yoga while staring at the pond from inside my house, enjoying nature the way its supposed to be enjoyed. With the AC on.

- Make curtains! I have lived curtainless for a year, and let’s just say, it is time. There are lots of things that one cannot do behind closed curtains if, you know, the curtains are missing.

- Hit at least one single per game at my softball games. Well, a girl can dream, can’t she? And I figured I might as well put something in here that would keep me humble and on my toes.

- Go to a field at night in early summer to see the fireflies. This would make me feel ridiculously happy.

I have two 15 page projects which are maybe a third done due by Friday morning, and qualifying exams (to see if I can continue with my PhD) two and a half weeks from now. And of course, I am updating my blog after not doing so for months. Because I am awesome at finding the most opportune times to procrastinate!

These past few months have been unbelievably busy, but I am having loads of fun. I have been accused by my sister of not writing an entry in a long time because things are going great with the new boy (oops, did I just jinx it?), but that is not the case. Mainly this semester my classes consist of writing ridiculously long essays and papers, so much so that whenever I think of writing in here I sigh, and think – suck it, diary! I need to save my creativity for comparing organizations to an instrument of domination, or a flock of birds, or a burning building, or a pirate ship.

The first year of my grad school career is drawing to a close, and I am very thankful. This summer I will be working part time so that will give me time to work on my proposal for candidacy and do some traveling and visit my family. There are three big events this summer that I am so very excited about: the little bean’s first birthday (but he was just born yesterday! how could that be?), my sister’s high school graduation (but… she is just a baby, how is it that she’s going to college and doing all sorts of grown up activities, like living all by her lonesome and playing beer pong?), and my cousin’s wedding (yeah, this one was a long time coming. I was ready for this one three years ago). I cannot wait for spring and summer!

Ok, back to my regularly scheduled work.

I’ve been kind of seeing someone. On the one hand I am very happy, because it’s been pretty great so far. On the other hand, I feel apprehensive because while relationships can bring out the very best in me, they can also bring out the very worst. I am not a secure person and I am now thinking why the hell does this guy like me, and why is he even giving me the time of day?  The bottom line is even though my self confidence has increased by leaps and bounds from even just a few years ago, it is nowhere near there yet. On a good day, I still think I’m stupid, and boring and ugly. I’m not sure what the best way to combat this is; I’m still going to therapy, still trying to curb my bad thoughts. I can tell myself that I’m not awful and maybe even believe it in my head, but how can you control your feelings? How do you make yourself feel that you are worth just as much as the next person? Let the self-sabotage begin.