Entering procrastination station
I have two 15 page projects which are maybe a third done due by Friday morning, and qualifying exams (to see if I can continue with my PhD) two and a half weeks from now. And of course, I am updating my blog after not doing so for months. Because I am awesome at finding the most opportune times to procrastinate!
These past few months have been unbelievably busy, but I am having loads of fun. I have been accused by my sister of not writing an entry in a long time because things are going great with the new boy (oops, did I just jinx it?), but that is not the case. Mainly this semester my classes consist of writing ridiculously long essays and papers, so much so that whenever I think of writing in here I sigh, and think – suck it, diary! I need to save my creativity for comparing organizations to an instrument of domination, or a flock of birds, or a burning building, or a pirate ship.
The first year of my grad school career is drawing to a close, and I am very thankful. This summer I will be working part time so that will give me time to work on my proposal for candidacy and do some traveling and visit my family. There are three big events this summer that I am so very excited about: the little bean’s first birthday (but he was just born yesterday! how could that be?), my sister’s high school graduation (but… she is just a baby, how is it that she’s going to college and doing all sorts of grown up activities, like living all by her lonesome and playing beer pong?), and my cousin’s wedding (yeah, this one was a long time coming. I was ready for this one three years ago). I cannot wait for spring and summer!
Ok, back to my regularly scheduled work.
And so, it starts.
I’ve been kind of seeing someone. On the one hand I am very happy, because it’s been pretty great so far. On the other hand, I feel apprehensive because while relationships can bring out the very best in me, they can also bring out the very worst. I am not a secure person and I am now thinking why the hell does this guy like me, and why is he even giving me the time of day? The bottom line is even though my self confidence has increased by leaps and bounds from even just a few years ago, it is nowhere near there yet. On a good day, I still think I’m stupid, and boring and ugly. I’m not sure what the best way to combat this is; I’m still going to therapy, still trying to curb my bad thoughts. I can tell myself that I’m not awful and maybe even believe it in my head, but how can you control your feelings? How do you make yourself feel that you are worth just as much as the next person? Let the self-sabotage begin.
On the road
If you had the chance of being with someone (an awesome someone) for only four months, would you do it? I have never been the type of person who lives only for today, but I am so very tempted and I think I’m going to go for it.
It is nice to be in the magical, butterflies-in-your-stomach stage, without thinking about what’s going to happen next. Reality will have to be dealt with later. And although I believe that all roads lead *somewhere* I might have to be content that in this case, somewhere might be nowhere after all. Surprisingly, I think I’m ok with that.
List of thankfulness
- Laughing my way through days with my cousin who is made out of all kinds of awesome (and is visiting for a month, yay! She has been an absolute angel. Or more like a cleaning fairy godmother, with a toilet brush wand and plastic gloves and taking care of me while I work and study).
- Being ridiculously silly with my sisters on our msn chat.
- Seeing a sweet and hilarious video of the little bean eating (or trying to, as much as you can without teeth) a chicken leg, looking like a little bald hungry man who apparently doesn’t get breast fed enough (:
- Watching Tai lie contentedly in the sun, a look of absolute bliss on her face
- Sitting very still in the middle of a sunny, windy and gorgeous Fall day, with all it’s vibrantly alive colors and the crispness and sharpness in the air that made the very blood in my veins pulse with gladness.
I will try to remember these when I am feeling stressed, when my eye twitches and my heart hurts from thinking of all the studying I need to do, and all the life that needs living. There are so many beautiful things and moments in the world that make even the embarrassment of twitchy eyes all worthwhile.
Like, OMG, he is soooo superfine
So I have a crush. A pretty one-sided and unrequited one. When I tell this to other people, of course I want to hear that it’s not true, that there is a chance, but I kind of know in my heart of hearts that there isn’t. It’s my first crush since my relationship with my ex ended, so I’m trying to be philosophical about it and just be happy that I do have one and that in fact, I am not dead and shriveled up inside. In a way it’s nice to dream a little about someone again.
He’s so smart, and so sweet, and good and funny. And I know that everyone says the same thing about their crushes, but what I really mean is that he’s my type of smart, and my type of sweet and my type of funny. He’s finishing up his PhD in engineering, and is very involved with church. I talked to him at a friend’s birthday party, and he laughed politely at all my stupid jokes (which were very stupid and I was probably slurring because I had two drinks, and that is my limit right there. I am no heavyweight. Have I written about how I faint when I have martinis? The first time was at a party and I was dragged on my knees out of the dance floor. That’s what I get for dancing with little runts my size. The second time I fainted while trying to get out through a revolving door and got stuck in the middle. Ah, good times). He was one of the few people who took time to introduce himself and be really sweet to my sister when she was here. I know I’m seeing him through rose colored glasses, because no one is perfect, but I don’t know him so well so at this stage my impression of him is unmarred by reality.
Whereas I? I’m no good: I’m struggling with school, was labeled “smartass aunt” by my sisters, and on top of that I’m a little crazy, and not the best of Catholics. He is totally out of my league. It feels like being in high school again – geeky girl likes unattainable guy, unattainable guy dates unattainable girl, and nobody cares what the hell geeky girl does.
Ok, I’m out. I need to go write some poems comparing love to butterflies and rainbows, sigh pathetically and die under the insupportable weight made up of the shards of my broken dreams (: And then perhaps move on to homework.
I hate cats
You could also change the title of this entry to “I hate everything that I am allergic to” which would include the whole wide world. Ok, so I tend to exaggerate, but I did the pricking test and my whole back got swollen with hives, so much so that the nurse was like – ‘ Well, the good news is that the doctor is going to love you!’ Amongst other things, I’m allergic to ragweed, pollen, grass, hypocrites, people who can’t laugh at themselves and Miley Cyrus (ok, maybe I made the last couple up, but I do always feel my eyes rolling and my throat gagging when I encounter them. That’s kind of like an allergic reaction, isn’t it?). So, recap: I’m allergic to a lot of crap.
Right now, my hatred is particularly concentrated on one cat, and I do hate to speak ill of the dead (and possibly adorable), but that darned cat is making my new condo unlivable for me. I can just imagine it prancing around just shaking its thick, glossy coat, shedding hair gleefully on every single corner and rolling in ecstasy over the carpet while purring and thinking “Aha, I will exact my revenge on the future owner of this house by rubbing over every single inch of floor and then going over it again and licking it!” I am hoping that after a vigorous cleaning most of the eau de cat will be gone, because my allergy pills aren’t helping that much. It sucks that instead of having that new-ownership glow the only glisten I have is that of my tears as they roll down my cheeks. Because of a cat that I HAVE NEVER MET.
Otherwise, the new place is awesome. Yesterday I got the cutest welcome to the neighborhood ever when a little family of ducks marched down my patio. Eh, I don’t care that my eyes water or that the skin around my nose is raw because I’m a cheapo and I buy kleenex with the consistency of sandpaper – I have ducks! I already named the babies Dewey, Cheetham and Howe (bonus points if you get the reference).
My OMG moment
I GOT IN!!!!! Yes, yes, yes, YEAH <Insert ecstatic fist pump and happy dance here>.
(sorry for the use of multiple exclamation points, but I am. THAT. EXCITED).
Readjusting expectations
I feel very bittersweet lately. There are things that I’m doing right now that I always thought that I would do at the next stage of my life, when I grew up and got married. I’ve mentioned that I’m buying a condo for the first time, and I feel a little daunted by the fact that I’m going to be responsible for everything. I always imagined doing it as an ‘us’ with someone; buying furniture, bickering about the colors, wall painting at nights while tipsy and naked. Not much to ask for, right? On the plus side, there will be no need for the compromising that goes on (I’ll give you the 80’s lava lamp if you take down that picture of the almost naked Burt Reynolds (seriously, an ex had this one)). Hell, who knows, there might be some drinking and nakedness going on anyway.
Also, while I love the little bean (even more than a whole tubful of cherry garcia), I see my sister and her family being so perfect and wonderfully enmeshed in their little cocoon of bliss, that I envy their happiness. I’ve always gotten along well with children, and part of me is jealous that my younger (by 4 years) sister is getting to experience motherhood before I do. I think it’s natural to feel this way, even though I do feel a little guilty about it. It’s certainly a dichotomy, loving my sister as much as breath, but also secretly wishing that her life wasn’t so completely equal to what my idea of security and happiness is, and feeling jealous that she gets to have it while I don’t.
One of the things that has changed in the past year is that instead of planning for the hypothetical two, I am planning for myself. Instead of thinking ‘I will save up to buy a house when I get married’, I have put that down on a condo. Instead of being sad about the possibility of having no children of my own, I have already decided to adopt if I’m still single when I’m 35. It’s a 180 from where I used to be before, but at least I’m down on earth and not playing in the clouds, like I usually am.
Babies for the uninitiated
Some things that I have learned over the past three weeks of hanging out with the little bean:
a) I always thought that like cows, a woman’s boobs would deliver milk in a single, orderly stream. However, it is more like a sprinkler, and it can fly everywhere.
b) When you are changing little boy’s diapers, pee fountains can happen. There are several moves to counteract this, but for a beginner like myself the safest is the “duck and cover and the hell with whatever happens to my bedclothes” technique, but more advanced practitioners can use the “divert the pee stream” one, which is… pretty self explanatory, and requires lots of coordination.
c) Babies’ hiccups are so adorable, you will want to provoke them so as to bask in the cuteness that is a little baby hiccuping, like a -’hic!’- deliciously teeny alcoholic. So far I’ve found that making funny faces at the baby, ordering in pig latin and holding the milk bottle hostage don’t work.
d) The first couple of weeks, the baby’s poop is not entirely solid. Therefore what should be little poop packets convert into a poop squirt, capable of covering astounding distances in mere nanoseconds. I’m talking in meters here, people. Unless you have ninja-like stealth and the speed of a cheetah and can avoid said squirt, I would recommend wearing a face mask and perhaps some protective covering when changing a diaper. Just in case. Or at least ,not wear your most favorite shirt in the whole world because you want to look cute for the baby whom, you know what? doesn’t give a damn and doesn’t compliment you. LIKE ALL MEN (: (And thus, this post endeth in the wrath and bitterness of a woman scorned, which has been won over by the cutest. hiccupping. baby boy. EVER).
