On again
I am not doing very well. These past three weeks have been exhausting, just trying to keep my head above water. I’m still struggling. Oh, how I hate this.
I’m going to try to do some yoga, and pray some today, although it’s hard to even think about it. I’m making myself go to school but what I really want to do is stay at home under the covers and cry.
The best advice I’ve never given, part II.
Step 2: Me, myself and I.
Let me preface the next couple of paragraphs by saying that I think low self esteem and chronic depression often go hand in hand. Depressed people usually lack the necessary (shall we call it) mental armor necessary to protect themselves from bad thoughts and criticisms, especially those coming from themselves. Ergo, they need to work on building that armor in order to make themselves feel better. For me, one of the most important things that I did was try to increase my self confidence was to consciously get to know myself better and try to objectively adjust the mental image that I had of myself. So — if you think that you are awesome just as you are, you probably don’t need to read this post (however, if you think you are the epitome of perfection, then you can bugger off, and get some therapy while you’re at it).
Having low self esteem results in your having a skewed view of yourself. Walking into a room even now, I will probably be the person that will think the worst of me. And that kind of sucks, because as they say, nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. So, it is important that you get to know yourself as you are, and not as you see yourself (I went from thinking I was a stupid, boring, ugly troglodyte to a not-so dumb, at least I’m not Steve Urkel nerdy girl. I do realize that I need more work (: ). This entails being honest about your limitations, but more importantly, your strengths, which depressed people are often blind to. I’m not sure what the best way to get to knowing yourself is, but what worked for me was trying out different things, and forcing myself to be open to new ideas and situations. There were times where I had to drag myself to an event that I was too nervous to go to (curse my chronic shyness and social awkardness! I also should warn you about accepting sketchy invitations – never go with a hippy to a second location, thanks Jack Donaghy). But being exposed to all sorts of different things helped me realize what I liked (playing board games, chillaxing with friends, hilarious words like ‘chillaxing’), what I didn’t (any combination of steel drums, incense and half naked people dancing), and what I was good or bad at.
Trying to see yourself objectively is a major task. I still have trouble with it even after deliberately working on it for the past 5 years. I have gotten to the point where I can recognize that I’m putting myself down but still have a hard time not letting it get to me. I’m still working on that second person, which incidentally, I call Matilda. Another thing that helped was to try to see situations more objectively. I would (and still do) stop and say, okay, if I were talking to a friend, what would I say? More often than not, I found that I treated myself much more harshly than I did others.
Which leads to my next point: you have to woo yourself. Spoil yourself a little, within reason. Be nice and kind and considerate of your emotions. Try to do one small thing that will make you feel better everyday, whatever it is. Praise everything that is worthy in you. Build that self-love and confidence.
I think depressed people often get flak from others because we are perceived as self-centered. And in a way it’s true; depression makes you think that everybody is against you, that you can’t do anything right, and that everything is your fault. It’s ironic that to get better, this ability of concentrating on ourselves is actually useful if used in a more constructive manner. Not that I’m saying that you should take it to the extreme, but definitely try to focus some of that energy into positive self-analysis.
This last piece of advice is very personal, and I’m not sure whether it would help other people but it might be worth a try. Many times, helping and focusing on serving other people has also helped. From doing small acts of kindness to more committed community work, I have always benefited from doing it. On the one hand, I feel amazing for having helped someone who truly needed it. At a different level, it helps me forget my troubles and put them into perspective, and it is a constant reminder to be thankful of where and who I am.
There is no tried and true way of going about changing your attitude or your behavior patterns. Half the battle is recognizing the inherent problem, and the second half is to work, work, work to make yourself better and strengthen that armor so you can kick anybody’s ass. Metaphorically, of course.
Full to the brim
I am feeling antisocial today. I had plans to go and see a play with my friends, but I canceled. There are times when I get cranky just thinking about being in the vicinity of people and today is one of those.
I’ve always wondered if my solitary bouts are normal. It is not a preference, it is a need to be alone and do my own thing; and when I get into this frame of mind if someone impinges on my wishes (even it is myself) I get cranky. Example, yesterday I had planned to spend curled up on my sofa, reading a good book. But a very dear friend of mine was not feeling well, and had no one else to turn to, so we spent a couple of hours hanging out together and talking. By the end I was unbearably cranky and feeling resentful. Worst of all, I took my anger out on Tai (I yelled at her at some length, but then she had also peed on the carpet, again), and felt really guilty about it afterwards.
There are times when dealing with people leaves me drained and I need to recharge. I never understood why some people are so scared to be alone. I love the feeling of serenity that can come over you while sitting with your dog and reading a good book, or drinking some hot cocoa while watching trashy tv. Sometimes the best company can be yourself.
The best advice I’ve never given, part I
I admit, I am an unsolicited advice giver. But I figure it’s an ok fault to have because I also happen to give excellent advice (ha! I think that noise you just heard was the simultaneous rolling of my friends’ eyes). In all seriousness though, there are times when I hold myself back from saying what I want to say because I’m scared I will hurt people’s feelings. I was thinking today of what honest, tough advice I would have given to myself seven years ago while I was going through a difficult bout of depression. So, here it is, peppered in with some of my own experiences (I’m pretty sure this is a rehash of every single ’surviving depression’ handbook, but I think in general, they work. Plus it’s free, and from a reliable source that dispenses knowledgeable advice, ask my friends!).
STEP 1: Get thee to therapy.
I think this step is a hard one because even though you probably know you have a problem, that doesn’t necessarily make it easy to look for help. I think I’ve mentioned before how when I’ve been depressed in the past, I have had absolutely zero motivation to get better. But guess what: if you try to ignore it, or hide it, it only gets worse. Depression feeds upon itself, and someday it will surface and bitchslap you in the face if you dont’ address it. In order to get better, it might have to get worse and uncomfortable for some time; you will have to confront your insecurities and go to places where you’d rather not.
I decided to go into therapy because I was deeply unhappy. I had been having suicidal thoughts everyday, feeling worthless, and crying myself to sleep at night amongst other things. All my depression was just bubbling out of me and I felt like I couldn’t contain it anymore like I had done for so many years. I come from a culture where therapy is a taboo so I was hesitant about it – it took me feeling like I was cornered and with absolutely no way out of my life to actually get there. That first time I just sat there and bawled my eyes out. The intake therapist was a very nice, gentle lady who said that she thought I might need something long term and recommended I try out weekly therapy. I will be honest, for the first year or two, I absolutely freaking hated it. I was a very closed off person at that time, so talking about painful and personal experiences was very tough and left me emotionally drained and feeling even more depressed. I dreaded going in, but some part of me knew that I needed it and thankfully I stuck to it. Which leads to the point: if you hate it at first, try to give it some time.
Another issue I wanted to touch upon is that a large part of the therapy component is getting the right therapist. I was lucky that both of the therapists that I have been assigned to I have been extremely happy with. They never hesitated to say though, that I was completely free to look for other options if I felt I had to. You have to have someone whom your comfortable with, and if that means switching around a couple of times, then that is fine and it is completely expected. Don’t let the fear of offending anyone hold you back from finding the right match.
If you think you are depressed, take the leap and go to therapy – don’t wait until you reach the nadir, go now. Looking back, I can’t recall a point where I thought, “aha! I am now cured and all of my problems are solved”. Or I know some people who can recall specific breakthroughs — and I can’t even think of that. All I know is that gradually I started being more open to other people in my life, that little by little the depression ebbed and flowed out of and into my life, but there was a definite retreat. You could find that therapy is not for you, but at least you need to give it a shot.
[So my advice was initially a short list with about 5 steps on them. Then I started writing on Step 1 and realized, holy cow, this is going to be one behemoth of a post! so I decided to post in sections instead. I will be writing follow ups on this hopefully soon...ish. ]
The blues
My vacation in short: I ate too much, tanned too little and had wonderfully happy times with my family. I was also in bed on New Year’s eve with a stomach virus, but that was just a small dent in the awesomeness that was this trip. It was great; I miss them so much.
I always get depressed after the holidays, which for me is a compendium of having good times at home – which are almost always pretty damn near flawless – and coming back to reality (I can never say this phrase without saying ‘oh, there goes gravity’. What did I ever do to you, Eminem?). It’s a jarring change to come back from my vibrant, larger than life family to what seems to be my own little drab life.
Of course I always break out of these holiday blues and I will be back to seeing and feeling the red, purple and gold. But for now, I just feel like avoiding people and cuddling my insufferable dog.
This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper
Before I knew that the line in the title referred to an H-bomb, I always thought it was an apt description for a lot of situations in life. I remember hearing from my English teacher in high school that once you write something, it’s not your own anymore and it bears different meanings to everyone who reads it. To me, this line summarizes quiet desperation. How sometimes you expect the end to come amongst pomp and circumstance, but what you don’t know is that the ending started just as soon as everything began and it sneaks up on you. And to cap it all off, you not only lose what you have, you also lose what you might have had, and that is infinitely harder.
During yoga class this week, my teacher talked about how you should cultivate a sense of detachment. In this case she wasn’t referring to not connecting with anything or anyone, but detachment in the sense that you should not be too invested on the outcome of situations. It’s a lesson I need to learn.
I also need to trust that things often work out for the best, and that there is a plan for me. I just wish God would clue me in on it sometimes (:
Damn to the Arrgh
A week ago, my roomate told me that he wanted to move out, and I did an internal happy dance (the running man and robot rendition, I was THAT happy). The day afterwards he said he was moving to Texas and he flew out to look for apartments. By Sunday, he had changed his mind and had chosen San Francisco. Which turned into I’m staying here until my lease ends yesterday. Of course he hadn’t deemed it important enough to actually tell me of his plans, considering that he would have been breaking his lease and putting me in a bad financial position, which pissed me off.
It is an education being around someone whose mood changes so much and who can go from being happy to being depressed in 2 seconds flat. I’m struggling with trying to be understanding of him, but at the same time not wanting to engage him because I never know how he’s going to react. I know the suckfest that is feeling like you don’t belong anywhere, and how isolating and awful that is and I’m trying hard to remember that when I interact with him. What I can’t stand is when he becomes mean and says hurtful and (frankly) childish things to me that are unwarranted and disrespectful. He is also needs so much attention and time that I can’t give him. He’s gotten jealous because I spend more time with my friends. He says he feels excluded when I don’t invite him to do things with me. He complains that whenever I cook I don’t plan for him. Whenever I try to address what he’s saying, he doesn’t listen to me because he reacts with his emotions, and doesn’t listen with his mind, therefore there is no reasoning with him. He’s like a clingy, needy, possesive boyfriend that I never wished to have.
It’s interesting being on the other side of equation now. What I can say now is that I am so glad to have had friends, real friends who stuck with me through my periods of depression. And while I don’t think my roommate and I can be friends because of our personality differences, I will try harder to be more compassionate. I have/had been praying very hard about this situation, and I thought it was all going to be resolved when he left. But maybe God has other plans (who said something like, man plans, and God laughs?), and I just have to be accepting. I know this post is not nice at all, but I decided to put it up because no one knows who I’m talking about. A girl needs an outlet (umm, other than all of the friends that I’ve already bored to tears with this story, or that… complete stranger in the waiting room) sometimes.
Yoga
It is a truth universally acknowledged that doing any type of exercise is guaranteed to make you healthier, and feel better. Of course, the problems are twofold: first, you have to be motivated enough to go (which most of the time, you just .. aren’t), and second, you have to keep it up. I wish this could be some revolutionary new post on the perfect formula to get yourself to get up and exercise, but it isn’t. Or on finding the perfect exercise to do while you’re sitting on your bum watching tv, but it’s not. In the end exercising on a regular basis is hard, and it takes a lot of motivation and discipline.
I went through periods of trying different things out, from swimming to tennis to those “for women only” clubs (Imagine me and a whole bunch of older ladies bouncing on a trampoline to Devo’s “whip it”). But I hadn’t found anything I loved until I came to yoga. And not just any yoga class, but with a wonderfully patient instructor that just radiates peace and calm.
I am always sure I am going to make time in my week to do some yoga. I love the feeling of peace, purpose and focus that comes over me. I feel so calm and contented after I do it, like I’ve just lifted a huge weight of my shoulders, and nothing matters except for the present moment. I forget about school, about men, roomate troubles and all of my responsibilities. While I’m doing yoga, I feel like I can connect not only with myself but something deeper – I have occasionally felt that way after praying, but yoga relaxes me enough on a consistent basis that I feel like I can be in better tune with my spiritual side. They don’t call it meditation through motion for nothing (:
And, on the super vain side, after three years of practicing, I am more toned and flexible. So, yaay to yoga all around! I highly encourage you to try. And if it doesn’t work for you, find something you love – swimming, synchronized running, anything.
Ch-ch-changes
An appropriate title for a post right after the elections. I’m not from the US, but it’s been my surrogate home for 10 years (and counting), and I am elated that so many people recognized that there is need for change and a shift in the national consciousness in some fundamental areas like the environment, and foreign policy. But of course, this webpage is all about me, so to hell with elections (:
I curse the day when I thought getting a roommate through Craigslist was a good idea. What everything boils down to is that it was very poor judgment on my part and now I have to live with it for a whole year. Initially this post was fairly slanderous in nature and I was going to write viciously one sided and embellished accounts of the time he did something and I got SO UPSET but I realize now that that probably wouldn’t be very nice of me, and possibly bar me from getting into heaven. And I really, really want to make it there eventually if only because I want to buy my favorite apostles some beer.
So instead I’m writing about things that need to change with me. I need to be more assertive, and hold my own ground. I cannot keep swallowing my anger or the things that bother me, because eventually I am going to explode, and that ain’t going to be pretty. It’s one of my many patterns, letting people walk all over me while silently resenting it, and I need to start setting some rules for myself.
One of the things that I’ve always believed in is a person’s ability to choose who they want to be, and act accordingly — the truest measure of a person is their actions. I’ve always tried to live up to my image of a good person, someone who was compassionate and kind, who would give strangers the shirt off their back and selflessly give up the last piece of chocolate cake because you know your friend really, really wants it. That image is still there, but now the ideal is tempered by accounting for my human frailties. I get angry and resentful when people try to take advantage of small kindnesses, so I need to start speaking up whenever this happens. I wish I could be more humble and forgiving and that these things wouldn’t bother me, but that is a work in progress.
Being non-confrotational means that I use my go-to defense mechanism when I’m mad – mute withdrawal. And that’s something that I need to work on too, because I realize it comes accross as cold and uncaring, and for the most part I do believe that dialogue is the best way to resolve conflict.
So, a mental toast to new beginnings.
Excerpts
Do you remember the time that I ragged you about wearing that suit? I regret that the most, those criticisms disguised as jokes that I could deliver so well, if only because I have had so much practice on myself. I’m so sorry if I ever let you feel like you weren’t enough, because you were more than that. That was my insecurity coming out and bruising you over and over again, and it wasn’t fair, and you didn’t deserve it. I’m so sorry.
- – - – - – -
I want you to know how much you meant to me, how you changed my life for the better. With you I became a happier, more confident version of myself. Your unconditional support and belief in me made a world of difference and without you I wouldn’t have become the person that is writing this. How ironic that with helping each other become our better selves came the realization that we weren’t right for one another.
- – - – - – - -
Thank you for having loved me.
I hope thirty years from now you will be with your family decorating your Christmas tree, watching four feet of snow cover the ground, listening to a Charlie Brown’s Christmas. I hope you’re still riding your bike to work after doing your morning Kung Fu. I hope your life is full of all the love, joy, pain, sorrow,craziness and happiness that is brought on by a life well lived.
