So it turns out that I have lots of anxiety which is manifesting itself in really odd ways. A couple of months ago, when my fiance and I were starting to talk about getting married, I started negotiating with him on who would do what chores. I fought to get my cooking time down from 5 times a week to 4 times a week (never mind that I love cooking and we do cook together for the most part). We also talked about kids and and I tried to get him to agree that he would change all of the diapers since I would be doing all the feeding.
Even though I think it’s a good idea for us to talk about our expectations, I am so afraid of not being the perfect wife. What if I don’t want to cook one day, like I’m supposed to? What if I want to sleep in and just have some alone time? Having a family, it’s going to change my life in so many ways. I’m really scared and it’s showing in my trying to bargain to keep my life intact. I’m scared that now that we’re getting married I’ll be having to compromise – and I’m a selfish, selfish person. I’m scared that I’m not going to be a good wife or a good mother.
But I guess in the end, the thought of not being a family with him scares me even more. And who knows, maybe I’ll have a little fun along the way (:
