The reckoning
Summer is almost over, so it is time to go through the list I wrote back in May and see what I need to do in the next few days to get most of it done (that’s me, procrastinating until the very end. Or as I prefer to call it, finishing strong).
- Go to the Farmer’s Market at least twice a month and pick a new ingredient each time. If you average the number of times I went to the farmer’s market by the number of months in spring/summer this worked out. I am converted to farmer’s markets now — the produce is comparably priced, and has so much more flavor. I also got the chance to go to the farmer’s market in Madison, WI, and it is one of the best ones I’ve been to. They have excellent cheese and I have a new favorite, smoked chicken. Did you know that you can smoke chicken? And that it is delicious?
- Learn how to garden. My sweet, sweet boyfriend came over one day and we spent 4 hours pruning, weeding, planting and putting topsoil on my teeny tiny patio. It was beautiful! For about 15 days! And then.. it got worse. And now it is back to looking a little disheveled, so it came full circle. (I have to say, gardening is labor intensive, but not tough. All you do is cut away anything that looks disorderly to your liking and pull up everything you don’t want in there).
- Grow my own herbs. The little plot with the herb garden was the only part of my patio that I took religious care of. I would walk outside and water the herbs, sniff the heady earthy smell, and beam like the proud mama I was. One day I found that someone had stolen the cilantro and some of the basil. I was livid and on the verge of installing little cameras out in the bushes, but not really because I’m a poor student so I was actually going to glue some leaves as camouflage and scare the beejezus out of the trespassers, when someone told me it was the chipmunks. And after that, I realized that I couldn’t win the battle, because have you seen a real, live chipmunk (I hadn’t, until I moved up north)? They are the cutest little squirrely things. All they would have to do is look at me with those little inquisitive eyes and I would be planting more cilantro and leaving chocolate chip cookies out for them. And then, there were the tomatoes, which the groundhogs love (I feel like they are my little animals now too, but also feel bad that I’m domesticating them. They are wild animals, don’t they need to … forage more for their lunch and learn wilderness survival skills?). But I did get to use some of the thyme, rosemary and basil, so I’ll call this one a success.
- Throw a mean barbeque. Not even close. Unless I can get a grill soon (which is not looking likely because I’m kind of broke), this one is a big FAIL. You guys, I actually did this! I found a gas grill for $40 on craigslist and next thing you know I am having about 10 people over for the world’s tiniest burgers (we forgot they shrink) and hot dogs. It was a lot of fun, and I love having a grill!
- Improve my tennis. I’ve been to play out twice, I think that means that this one is met. I mean, that’s twice more than I played this past year, therefore I improved my rusty skills by a lot, 50% even. Also, I am blaming my condo association on this one as they resurfaced the tennis courts and on at least 3 or 4 occasions I wanted to play and couldn’t. Of course I could have found another court, but I think my response of going home and umm, snacking on potato chips was way more reasonable. No one likes an overachiever.
- Do yoga on the patio. I’m on it. This weekend!
- Make curtains. Although I didn’t make my curtains, I did get them. From ebay — so that meant that they were about 8″ short on each side because the specs were all wrong and I didn’t return them. But it provides more coverage than it did before, and now peeping toms will have to really struggle to see inside or at least have to crane their neck a little.
- Hit at least one single per game at my softball games. Surprisingly what I thought was going to be the most difficult one is the only one that I truly did 100%. I even hit a double once (not intentionally, but hey I hit it, I took it, and I ran with it). Yay, me!
- Go to a field at night in early summer to see the fireflies. There was a field. And maybe … three.. four? fireflies. That kind of counts.
So the overarching theme of the summer was “honing the art of doing things half-assedly to perfection”. But an almost-kinda-sorta summer is the best kind.
The best advice I’ve never given, part II.
Step 2: Me, myself and I.
Let me preface the next couple of paragraphs by saying that I think low self esteem and chronic depression often go hand in hand. Depressed people usually lack the necessary (shall we call it) mental armor necessary to protect themselves from bad thoughts and criticisms, especially those coming from themselves. Ergo, they need to work on building that armor in order to make themselves feel better. For me, one of the most important things that I did was try to increase my self confidence was to consciously get to know myself better and try to objectively adjust the mental image that I had of myself. So — if you think that you are awesome just as you are, you probably don’t need to read this post (however, if you think you are the epitome of perfection, then you can bugger off, and get some therapy while you’re at it).
Having low self esteem results in your having a skewed view of yourself. Walking into a room even now, I will probably be the person that will think the worst of me. And that kind of sucks, because as they say, nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. So, it is important that you get to know yourself as you are, and not as you see yourself (I went from thinking I was a stupid, boring, ugly troglodyte to a not-so dumb, at least I’m not Steve Urkel nerdy girl. I do realize that I need more work (: ). This entails being honest about your limitations, but more importantly, your strengths, which depressed people are often blind to. I’m not sure what the best way to get to knowing yourself is, but what worked for me was trying out different things, and forcing myself to be open to new ideas and situations. There were times where I had to drag myself to an event that I was too nervous to go to (curse my chronic shyness and social awkardness! I also should warn you about accepting sketchy invitations – never go with a hippy to a second location, thanks Jack Donaghy). But being exposed to all sorts of different things helped me realize what I liked (playing board games, chillaxing with friends, hilarious words like ‘chillaxing’), what I didn’t (any combination of steel drums, incense and half naked people dancing), and what I was good or bad at.
Trying to see yourself objectively is a major task. I still have trouble with it even after deliberately working on it for the past 5 years. I have gotten to the point where I can recognize that I’m putting myself down but still have a hard time not letting it get to me. I’m still working on that second person, which incidentally, I call Matilda. Another thing that helped was to try to see situations more objectively. I would (and still do) stop and say, okay, if I were talking to a friend, what would I say? More often than not, I found that I treated myself much more harshly than I did others.
Which leads to my next point: you have to woo yourself. Spoil yourself a little, within reason. Be nice and kind and considerate of your emotions. Try to do one small thing that will make you feel better everyday, whatever it is. Praise everything that is worthy in you. Build that self-love and confidence.
I think depressed people often get flak from others because we are perceived as self-centered. And in a way it’s true; depression makes you think that everybody is against you, that you can’t do anything right, and that everything is your fault. It’s ironic that to get better, this ability of concentrating on ourselves is actually useful if used in a more constructive manner. Not that I’m saying that you should take it to the extreme, but definitely try to focus some of that energy into positive self-analysis.
This last piece of advice is very personal, and I’m not sure whether it would help other people but it might be worth a try. Many times, helping and focusing on serving other people has also helped. From doing small acts of kindness to more committed community work, I have always benefited from doing it. On the one hand, I feel amazing for having helped someone who truly needed it. At a different level, it helps me forget my troubles and put them into perspective, and it is a constant reminder to be thankful of where and who I am.
There is no tried and true way of going about changing your attitude or your behavior patterns. Half the battle is recognizing the inherent problem, and the second half is to work, work, work to make yourself better and strengthen that armor so you can kick anybody’s ass. Metaphorically, of course.
