The best advice I’ve never given, part I
I admit, I am an unsolicited advice giver. But I figure it’s an ok fault to have because I also happen to give excellent advice (ha! I think that noise you just heard was the simultaneous rolling of my friends’ eyes). In all seriousness though, there are times when I hold myself back from saying what I want to say because I’m scared I will hurt people’s feelings. I was thinking today of what honest, tough advice I would have given to myself seven years ago while I was going through a difficult bout of depression. So, here it is, peppered in with some of my own experiences (I’m pretty sure this is a rehash of every single ’surviving depression’ handbook, but I think in general, they work. Plus it’s free, and from a reliable source that dispenses knowledgeable advice, ask my friends!).
STEP 1: Get thee to therapy.
I think this step is a hard one because even though you probably know you have a problem, that doesn’t necessarily make it easy to look for help. I think I’ve mentioned before how when I’ve been depressed in the past, I have had absolutely zero motivation to get better. But guess what: if you try to ignore it, or hide it, it only gets worse. Depression feeds upon itself, and someday it will surface and bitchslap you in the face if you dont’ address it. In order to get better, it might have to get worse and uncomfortable for some time; you will have to confront your insecurities and go to places where you’d rather not.
I decided to go into therapy because I was deeply unhappy. I had been having suicidal thoughts everyday, feeling worthless, and crying myself to sleep at night amongst other things. All my depression was just bubbling out of me and I felt like I couldn’t contain it anymore like I had done for so many years. I come from a culture where therapy is a taboo so I was hesitant about it – it took me feeling like I was cornered and with absolutely no way out of my life to actually get there. That first time I just sat there and bawled my eyes out. The intake therapist was a very nice, gentle lady who said that she thought I might need something long term and recommended I try out weekly therapy. I will be honest, for the first year or two, I absolutely freaking hated it. I was a very closed off person at that time, so talking about painful and personal experiences was very tough and left me emotionally drained and feeling even more depressed. I dreaded going in, but some part of me knew that I needed it and thankfully I stuck to it. Which leads to the point: if you hate it at first, try to give it some time.
Another issue I wanted to touch upon is that a large part of the therapy component is getting the right therapist. I was lucky that both of the therapists that I have been assigned to I have been extremely happy with. They never hesitated to say though, that I was completely free to look for other options if I felt I had to. You have to have someone whom your comfortable with, and if that means switching around a couple of times, then that is fine and it is completely expected. Don’t let the fear of offending anyone hold you back from finding the right match.
If you think you are depressed, take the leap and go to therapy – don’t wait until you reach the nadir, go now. Looking back, I can’t recall a point where I thought, “aha! I am now cured and all of my problems are solved”. Or I know some people who can recall specific breakthroughs — and I can’t even think of that. All I know is that gradually I started being more open to other people in my life, that little by little the depression ebbed and flowed out of and into my life, but there was a definite retreat. You could find that therapy is not for you, but at least you need to give it a shot.
[So my advice was initially a short list with about 5 steps on them. Then I started writing on Step 1 and realized, holy cow, this is going to be one behemoth of a post! so I decided to post in sections instead. I will be writing follow ups on this hopefully soon...ish. ]
On the eve
I can’t believe I have made it this far — it feels like it’s been no time and forever since I started school. After all this hard work, it ends tomorrow and I could not be more thankful. I’m so excited for the spring and summer that I put together a list of things that I want to try in the next couple of months:
- Go to the Farmer’s Market at least twice a month and pick a new ingredient each time. I love cooking but I always stick to the tried and true; this summer I want to experiment, expand my culinary horizons, and become a foodie snob that makes her own pesto based on a secret recipe from a friend’s Italian grandmother who still uses a mortar and pestle.
- Learn how to garden. Or how to prune. Or at least make my teeny patio look a little presentable and not like a lazy schizophrenic took over.
- Grow my own herbs. Can you just imagine how delicious that would be? I am just salivating in anticipation.
- Throw a mean barbeque.
- Improve my tennis.
- Do yoga on the patio. I’ve wanted to do this since last summer but I never found the motivation. Or, if I find that it is one of those things that sounds much more pleasant in theory than in practice (mosquitoes, bleh) then do yoga while staring at the pond from inside my house, enjoying nature the way its supposed to be enjoyed. With the AC on.
- Make curtains! I have lived curtainless for a year, and let’s just say, it is time. There are lots of things that one cannot do behind closed curtains if, you know, the curtains are missing.
- Hit at least one single per game at my softball games. Well, a girl can dream, can’t she? And I figured I might as well put something in here that would keep me humble and on my toes.
- Go to a field at night in early summer to see the fireflies. This would make me feel ridiculously happy.
