And so, it starts.
I’ve been kind of seeing someone. On the one hand I am very happy, because it’s been pretty great so far. On the other hand, I feel apprehensive because while relationships can bring out the very best in me, they can also bring out the very worst. I am not a secure person and I am now thinking why the hell does this guy like me, and why is he even giving me the time of day? The bottom line is even though my self confidence has increased by leaps and bounds from even just a few years ago, it is nowhere near there yet. On a good day, I still think I’m stupid, and boring and ugly. I’m not sure what the best way to combat this is; I’m still going to therapy, still trying to curb my bad thoughts. I can tell myself that I’m not awful and maybe even believe it in my head, but how can you control your feelings? How do you make yourself feel that you are worth just as much as the next person? Let the self-sabotage begin.
On the road
If you had the chance of being with someone (an awesome someone) for only four months, would you do it? I have never been the type of person who lives only for today, but I am so very tempted and I think I’m going to go for it.
It is nice to be in the magical, butterflies-in-your-stomach stage, without thinking about what’s going to happen next. Reality will have to be dealt with later. And although I believe that all roads lead *somewhere* I might have to be content that in this case, somewhere might be nowhere after all. Surprisingly, I think I’m ok with that.
The blues
My vacation in short: I ate too much, tanned too little and had wonderfully happy times with my family. I was also in bed on New Year’s eve with a stomach virus, but that was just a small dent in the awesomeness that was this trip. It was great; I miss them so much.
I always get depressed after the holidays, which for me is a compendium of having good times at home – which are almost always pretty damn near flawless – and coming back to reality (I can never say this phrase without saying ‘oh, there goes gravity’. What did I ever do to you, Eminem?). It’s a jarring change to come back from my vibrant, larger than life family to what seems to be my own little drab life.
Of course I always break out of these holiday blues and I will be back to seeing and feeling the red, purple and gold. But for now, I just feel like avoiding people and cuddling my insufferable dog.
