Damn to the Arrgh
A week ago, my roomate told me that he wanted to move out, and I did an internal happy dance (the running man and robot rendition, I was THAT happy). The day afterwards he said he was moving to Texas and he flew out to look for apartments. By Sunday, he had changed his mind and had chosen San Francisco. Which turned into I’m staying here until my lease ends yesterday. Of course he hadn’t deemed it important enough to actually tell me of his plans, considering that he would have been breaking his lease and putting me in a bad financial position, which pissed me off.
It is an education being around someone whose mood changes so much and who can go from being happy to being depressed in 2 seconds flat. I’m struggling with trying to be understanding of him, but at the same time not wanting to engage him because I never know how he’s going to react. I know the suckfest that is feeling like you don’t belong anywhere, and how isolating and awful that is and I’m trying hard to remember that when I interact with him. What I can’t stand is when he becomes mean and says hurtful and (frankly) childish things to me that are unwarranted and disrespectful. He is also needs so much attention and time that I can’t give him. He’s gotten jealous because I spend more time with my friends. He says he feels excluded when I don’t invite him to do things with me. He complains that whenever I cook I don’t plan for him. Whenever I try to address what he’s saying, he doesn’t listen to me because he reacts with his emotions, and doesn’t listen with his mind, therefore there is no reasoning with him. He’s like a clingy, needy, possesive boyfriend that I never wished to have.
It’s interesting being on the other side of equation now. What I can say now is that I am so glad to have had friends, real friends who stuck with me through my periods of depression. And while I don’t think my roommate and I can be friends because of our personality differences, I will try harder to be more compassionate. I have/had been praying very hard about this situation, and I thought it was all going to be resolved when he left. But maybe God has other plans (who said something like, man plans, and God laughs?), and I just have to be accepting. I know this post is not nice at all, but I decided to put it up because no one knows who I’m talking about. A girl needs an outlet (umm, other than all of the friends that I’ve already bored to tears with this story, or that… complete stranger in the waiting room) sometimes.
Yoga
It is a truth universally acknowledged that doing any type of exercise is guaranteed to make you healthier, and feel better. Of course, the problems are twofold: first, you have to be motivated enough to go (which most of the time, you just .. aren’t), and second, you have to keep it up. I wish this could be some revolutionary new post on the perfect formula to get yourself to get up and exercise, but it isn’t. Or on finding the perfect exercise to do while you’re sitting on your bum watching tv, but it’s not. In the end exercising on a regular basis is hard, and it takes a lot of motivation and discipline.
I went through periods of trying different things out, from swimming to tennis to those “for women only” clubs (Imagine me and a whole bunch of older ladies bouncing on a trampoline to Devo’s “whip it”). But I hadn’t found anything I loved until I came to yoga. And not just any yoga class, but with a wonderfully patient instructor that just radiates peace and calm.
I am always sure I am going to make time in my week to do some yoga. I love the feeling of peace, purpose and focus that comes over me. I feel so calm and contented after I do it, like I’ve just lifted a huge weight of my shoulders, and nothing matters except for the present moment. I forget about school, about men, roomate troubles and all of my responsibilities. While I’m doing yoga, I feel like I can connect not only with myself but something deeper – I have occasionally felt that way after praying, but yoga relaxes me enough on a consistent basis that I feel like I can be in better tune with my spiritual side. They don’t call it meditation through motion for nothing (:
And, on the super vain side, after three years of practicing, I am more toned and flexible. So, yaay to yoga all around! I highly encourage you to try. And if it doesn’t work for you, find something you love – swimming, synchronized running, anything.
Ch-ch-changes
An appropriate title for a post right after the elections. I’m not from the US, but it’s been my surrogate home for 10 years (and counting), and I am elated that so many people recognized that there is need for change and a shift in the national consciousness in some fundamental areas like the environment, and foreign policy. But of course, this webpage is all about me, so to hell with elections (:
I curse the day when I thought getting a roommate through Craigslist was a good idea. What everything boils down to is that it was very poor judgment on my part and now I have to live with it for a whole year. Initially this post was fairly slanderous in nature and I was going to write viciously one sided and embellished accounts of the time he did something and I got SO UPSET but I realize now that that probably wouldn’t be very nice of me, and possibly bar me from getting into heaven. And I really, really want to make it there eventually if only because I want to buy my favorite apostles some beer.
So instead I’m writing about things that need to change with me. I need to be more assertive, and hold my own ground. I cannot keep swallowing my anger or the things that bother me, because eventually I am going to explode, and that ain’t going to be pretty. It’s one of my many patterns, letting people walk all over me while silently resenting it, and I need to start setting some rules for myself.
One of the things that I’ve always believed in is a person’s ability to choose who they want to be, and act accordingly — the truest measure of a person is their actions. I’ve always tried to live up to my image of a good person, someone who was compassionate and kind, who would give strangers the shirt off their back and selflessly give up the last piece of chocolate cake because you know your friend really, really wants it. That image is still there, but now the ideal is tempered by accounting for my human frailties. I get angry and resentful when people try to take advantage of small kindnesses, so I need to start speaking up whenever this happens. I wish I could be more humble and forgiving and that these things wouldn’t bother me, but that is a work in progress.
Being non-confrotational means that I use my go-to defense mechanism when I’m mad – mute withdrawal. And that’s something that I need to work on too, because I realize it comes accross as cold and uncaring, and for the most part I do believe that dialogue is the best way to resolve conflict.
So, a mental toast to new beginnings.
Excerpts
Do you remember the time that I ragged you about wearing that suit? I regret that the most, those criticisms disguised as jokes that I could deliver so well, if only because I have had so much practice on myself. I’m so sorry if I ever let you feel like you weren’t enough, because you were more than that. That was my insecurity coming out and bruising you over and over again, and it wasn’t fair, and you didn’t deserve it. I’m so sorry.
- – - – - – -
I want you to know how much you meant to me, how you changed my life for the better. With you I became a happier, more confident version of myself. Your unconditional support and belief in me made a world of difference and without you I wouldn’t have become the person that is writing this. How ironic that with helping each other become our better selves came the realization that we weren’t right for one another.
- – - – - – - -
Thank you for having loved me.
I hope thirty years from now you will be with your family decorating your Christmas tree, watching four feet of snow cover the ground, listening to a Charlie Brown’s Christmas. I hope you’re still riding your bike to work after doing your morning Kung Fu. I hope your life is full of all the love, joy, pain, sorrow,craziness and happiness that is brought on by a life well lived.
