Hi ho, Silver
Yesterday I was doing one of those oh-so-scientific magazine tests (from the oh-so-reputable Cosmo) which asked how independent you are. I didn’t even have to take the damn quiz (but I did anyway, because I love personality tests like a true INFJ) to know that I am a ‘lone ranger’. I have a hard time trusting people and I hate asking for favors, even the tiniest of things. I do not like to take anything from anyone and don’t ask anything of anyone because I inevitably get disappointed. It’s what I’ve learned to do since I was a kid, as a way of safeguarding from any pain; part of it is also due to my feeling so unimportant that I don’t want to bother people (In college, I was the girl who didn’t chew gum in class because I was afraid other students would be bothered by the noise. Seriously) . When you isolate yourself in that way, you feel safer because everything is within your control, but it can get you further into the vicious spiral of self criticizing, loneliness and depression.
Trusting people is hard, because we are all only human. We are bound to fall down or break or say something stupid once in a while. But it’s something that I have to do if I ever want to make it in this world, because after all, even if I depend only on myself, I am hugely flawed. So, I think that technically means I’m kind of screwed right now.
I feel that when people look at me, they see someone who is extremely independent and self sufficient, and maybe even admire that. But the secret is that I just don’t know any better… if they only knew how much I want someone I can rely on, and confide in, and feel completely and utterly safe with.
