Unloading baggage
Don’t worry, this is about physical baggage, as opposed to the emotional kind.
In preparation for moving into my new condo (it feels strangely adult to say that), I’ve started sorting through my things to figure out what I want to donate, keep or throw away. I’ve lived in my apartment for about four years now and I’ve unearthed some stuff that make me question my character and capacity for functioning as a normal adult:
- A can of indian curry that expired exactly 10 years ago. Why did I not throw this away the last time I moved? I can’t think of any earthly, logical reason why I would want to keep it. I think if I could explain what in the hell I was thinking when I kept this can over THREE MOVES I would gain inroads into the mystery that is my psyche and save myself at least a year of therapy. And then, find a solution for world peace.
- Five pairs of shoes that I convinced myself to buy because they were on sale, even though they were just a “teensy” bit small for me. My master plan of breaking them in never worked because they were so freaking painful to wear they drew blood walking from my apartment to my mailbox, which is like, 10 meters away. Those I’m giving away to the salvation army, so technically, in a way, I’m a philanthropist. (Shh, humor me).
- A complete collection of Sweet Valley High books that I bought two years ago. That’s right; I’m loud and I’m proud. (p.s. 1BRUCE1 and Regina, forever!)
- One male thong. Oh, I long for the days when I was so young and sadly naive that I thought every man owned one in order to avoid panty lines. It kind of made sense at the time when it was explained to me, I mean, panty lines, booo! They are the bane of butt hugging jeans and are the deadliest and most silent of the fashion faux pas! How many times have you looked yourself over to make sure that you don’t have any of your privates hanging out without realizing (the horror! the horror!) that people can see your grandma panty lines. What is a boy to do? Anyway, it wasn’t until afterward that I realized that such things as say – boxer briefs existed, or perhaps going commando, henceforth rendering male thongs obsolete and male thong owners weirdos.
I just realized that the year that the can of curry expired, I was going through my emo college period. In fact, the can was probably made when people were wearing keds, puffy paint sweatshirts and rocking multi-layered neon socks. It would be such a shame to throw it away now, after it’s seen so much history (:
