Full to the brim
I am feeling antisocial today. I had plans to go and see a play with my friends, but I canceled. There are times when I get cranky just thinking about being in the vicinity of people and today is one of those.
I’ve always wondered if my solitary bouts are normal. It is not a preference, it is a need to be alone and do my own thing; and when I get into this frame of mind if someone impinges on my wishes (even it is myself) I get cranky. Example, yesterday I had planned to spend curled up on my sofa, reading a good book. But a very dear friend of mine was not feeling well, and had no one else to turn to, so we spent a couple of hours hanging out together and talking. By the end I was unbearably cranky and feeling resentful. Worst of all, I took my anger out on Tai (I yelled at her at some length, but then she had also peed on the carpet, again), and felt really guilty about it afterwards.
There are times when dealing with people leaves me drained and I need to recharge. I never understood why some people are so scared to be alone. I love the feeling of serenity that can come over you while sitting with your dog and reading a good book, or drinking some hot cocoa while watching trashy tv. Sometimes the best company can be yourself.
No means NO
I have been told that when I am disciplining Tai, I should be more stern. Apparently with dogs, the tone of your voice is more important than what you actually say, and according to my roomate, my no’s are enveloped in love and butterflies and sweetness and light because they don’t sound forceful enough. So now, I am practicing with everyone.
Friend: Do you want to go see “Land of the Lost” tonight?. Me: Umm… no. Friend: It’s Will Ferrell, it should be good, come on… Me: NO!Roomie: Do you want some of this delicious dinner that I cooked? Me: NO! [hah! I can say no like the best of ... wait, did I just say no to an awesome, lovingly cooked meal?]
Tai: me wants food! scratch, scratch, whimper, scratch… Me: NO! Tai: looks at me with that adorable puppy face, sighs and walks away. Me: [Yes!]
I am so proud of myself. Over saying ‘no’ to my dog – but hey, it’s the little victories.
The best advice I’ve never given, part I
I admit, I am an unsolicited advice giver. But I figure it’s an ok fault to have because I also happen to give excellent advice (ha! I think that noise you just heard was the simultaneous rolling of my friends’ eyes). In all seriousness though, there are times when I hold myself back from saying what I want to say because I’m scared I will hurt people’s feelings. I was thinking today of what honest, tough advice I would have given to myself seven years ago while I was going through a difficult bout of depression. So, here it is, peppered in with some of my own experiences (I’m pretty sure this is a rehash of every single ’surviving depression’ handbook, but I think in general, they work. Plus it’s free, and from a reliable source that dispenses knowledgeable advice, ask my friends!).
STEP 1: Get thee to therapy.
I think this step is a hard one because even though you probably know you have a problem, that doesn’t necessarily make it easy to look for help. I think I’ve mentioned before how when I’ve been depressed in the past, I have had absolutely zero motivation to get better. But guess what: if you try to ignore it, or hide it, it only gets worse. Depression feeds upon itself, and someday it will surface and bitchslap you in the face if you dont’ address it. In order to get better, it might have to get worse and uncomfortable for some time; you will have to confront your insecurities and go to places where you’d rather not.
I decided to go into therapy because I was deeply unhappy. I had been having suicidal thoughts everyday, feeling worthless, and crying myself to sleep at night amongst other things. All my depression was just bubbling out of me and I felt like I couldn’t contain it anymore like I had done for so many years. I come from a culture where therapy is a taboo so I was hesitant about it – it took me feeling like I was cornered and with absolutely no way out of my life to actually get there. That first time I just sat there and bawled my eyes out. The intake therapist was a very nice, gentle lady who said that she thought I might need something long term and recommended I try out weekly therapy. I will be honest, for the first year or two, I absolutely freaking hated it. I was a very closed off person at that time, so talking about painful and personal experiences was very tough and left me emotionally drained and feeling even more depressed. I dreaded going in, but some part of me knew that I needed it and thankfully I stuck to it. Which leads to the point: if you hate it at first, try to give it some time.
Another issue I wanted to touch upon is that a large part of the therapy component is getting the right therapist. I was lucky that both of the therapists that I have been assigned to I have been extremely happy with. They never hesitated to say though, that I was completely free to look for other options if I felt I had to. You have to have someone whom your comfortable with, and if that means switching around a couple of times, then that is fine and it is completely expected. Don’t let the fear of offending anyone hold you back from finding the right match.
If you think you are depressed, take the leap and go to therapy – don’t wait until you reach the nadir, go now. Looking back, I can’t recall a point where I thought, “aha! I am now cured and all of my problems are solved”. Or I know some people who can recall specific breakthroughs — and I can’t even think of that. All I know is that gradually I started being more open to other people in my life, that little by little the depression ebbed and flowed out of and into my life, but there was a definite retreat. You could find that therapy is not for you, but at least you need to give it a shot.
[So my advice was initially a short list with about 5 steps on them. Then I started writing on Step 1 and realized, holy cow, this is going to be one behemoth of a post! so I decided to post in sections instead. I will be writing follow ups on this hopefully soon...ish. ]
On the eve
I can’t believe I have made it this far — it feels like it’s been no time and forever since I started school. After all this hard work, it ends tomorrow and I could not be more thankful. I’m so excited for the spring and summer that I put together a list of things that I want to try in the next couple of months:
- Go to the Farmer’s Market at least twice a month and pick a new ingredient each time. I love cooking but I always stick to the tried and true; this summer I want to experiment, expand my culinary horizons, and become a foodie snob that makes her own pesto based on a secret recipe from a friend’s Italian grandmother who still uses a mortar and pestle.
- Learn how to garden. Or how to prune. Or at least make my teeny patio look a little presentable and not like a lazy schizophrenic took over.
- Grow my own herbs. Can you just imagine how delicious that would be? I am just salivating in anticipation.
- Throw a mean barbeque.
- Improve my tennis.
- Do yoga on the patio. I’ve wanted to do this since last summer but I never found the motivation. Or, if I find that it is one of those things that sounds much more pleasant in theory than in practice (mosquitoes, bleh) then do yoga while staring at the pond from inside my house, enjoying nature the way its supposed to be enjoyed. With the AC on.
- Make curtains! I have lived curtainless for a year, and let’s just say, it is time. There are lots of things that one cannot do behind closed curtains if, you know, the curtains are missing.
- Hit at least one single per game at my softball games. Well, a girl can dream, can’t she? And I figured I might as well put something in here that would keep me humble and on my toes.
- Go to a field at night in early summer to see the fireflies. This would make me feel ridiculously happy.
Entering procrastination station
I have two 15 page projects which are maybe a third done due by Friday morning, and qualifying exams (to see if I can continue with my PhD) two and a half weeks from now. And of course, I am updating my blog after not doing so for months. Because I am awesome at finding the most opportune times to procrastinate!
These past few months have been unbelievably busy, but I am having loads of fun. I have been accused by my sister of not writing an entry in a long time because things are going great with the new boy (oops, did I just jinx it?), but that is not the case. Mainly this semester my classes consist of writing ridiculously long essays and papers, so much so that whenever I think of writing in here I sigh, and think – suck it, diary! I need to save my creativity for comparing organizations to an instrument of domination, or a flock of birds, or a burning building, or a pirate ship.
The first year of my grad school career is drawing to a close, and I am very thankful. This summer I will be working part time so that will give me time to work on my proposal for candidacy and do some traveling and visit my family. There are three big events this summer that I am so very excited about: the little bean’s first birthday (but he was just born yesterday! how could that be?), my sister’s high school graduation (but… she is just a baby, how is it that she’s going to college and doing all sorts of grown up activities, like living all by her lonesome and playing beer pong?), and my cousin’s wedding (yeah, this one was a long time coming. I was ready for this one three years ago). I cannot wait for spring and summer!
Ok, back to my regularly scheduled work.
And so, it starts.
I’ve been kind of seeing someone. On the one hand I am very happy, because it’s been pretty great so far. On the other hand, I feel apprehensive because while relationships can bring out the very best in me, they can also bring out the very worst. I am not a secure person and I am now thinking why the hell does this guy like me, and why is he even giving me the time of day? The bottom line is even though my self confidence has increased by leaps and bounds from even just a few years ago, it is nowhere near there yet. On a good day, I still think I’m stupid, and boring and ugly. I’m not sure what the best way to combat this is; I’m still going to therapy, still trying to curb my bad thoughts. I can tell myself that I’m not awful and maybe even believe it in my head, but how can you control your feelings? How do you make yourself feel that you are worth just as much as the next person? Let the self-sabotage begin.
On the road
If you had the chance of being with someone (an awesome someone) for only four months, would you do it? I have never been the type of person who lives only for today, but I am so very tempted and I think I’m going to go for it.
It is nice to be in the magical, butterflies-in-your-stomach stage, without thinking about what’s going to happen next. Reality will have to be dealt with later. And although I believe that all roads lead *somewhere* I might have to be content that in this case, somewhere might be nowhere after all. Surprisingly, I think I’m ok with that.
The blues
My vacation in short: I ate too much, tanned too little and had wonderfully happy times with my family. I was also in bed on New Year’s eve with a stomach virus, but that was just a small dent in the awesomeness that was this trip. It was great; I miss them so much.
I always get depressed after the holidays, which for me is a compendium of having good times at home – which are almost always pretty damn near flawless – and coming back to reality (I can never say this phrase without saying ‘oh, there goes gravity’. What did I ever do to you, Eminem?). It’s a jarring change to come back from my vibrant, larger than life family to what seems to be my own little drab life.
Of course I always break out of these holiday blues and I will be back to seeing and feeling the red, purple and gold. But for now, I just feel like avoiding people and cuddling my insufferable dog.
This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper
Before I knew that the line in the title referred to an H-bomb, I always thought it was an apt description for a lot of situations in life. I remember hearing from my English teacher in high school that once you write something, it’s not your own anymore and it bears different meanings to everyone who reads it. To me, this line summarizes quiet desperation. How sometimes you expect the end to come amongst pomp and circumstance, but what you don’t know is that the ending started just as soon as everything began and it sneaks up on you. And to cap it all off, you not only lose what you have, you also lose what you might have had, and that is infinitely harder.
During yoga class this week, my teacher talked about how you should cultivate a sense of detachment. In this case she wasn’t referring to not connecting with anything or anyone, but detachment in the sense that you should not be too invested on the outcome of situations. It’s a lesson I need to learn.
I also need to trust that things often work out for the best, and that there is a plan for me. I just wish God would clue me in on it sometimes (:
Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder
So I’ve been very chipper lately. Chipper here, chipper there, chipper chipper everywhere. This is amazing considering that I am in the midst of finals, and research, and holiday parties, and gift buying and of course, roomate drama.
It’s madness, but I get to go home next week, and my first semester is over and (pending on finals) it looks like I will actually pass. Yay!
